31 Mar 2012

    The Underwear Police Situation

    • Chelsea: *Walking to her car.*
    • Neighbor Who Constantly Spies On Chelsea: Look! That's her.
    • Neighbor's Friend: Who?
    • Neighbor Who Constantly Spies On Chelsea: THAT girl. The one who walks around in no clothes.
    • Neighbor's Friend: That's terrible.
    • Neighbor Who Constantly Spies On Chelsea: She's always walking around in her underwear.
    • Neighbor's Friend: With the blinds open?
    • Neighbor Who Constantly Spies On Chelsea: Yeah, yeah. Blinds open and everything.
    • Chelsea: It's the third floor. It's my apartment. You're a pervert for looking in other people's windows. Have a nice fucking day.
    • Neighbor Who Constantly Spies On Chelsea & Neighbor's Friend: *Stunned faces.*
    • Chelsea: *Waves politely with a toothy grin while backing out and pulling away.*

    4 Feb 2012

    The Cat Wants A Tommy Gun Situation

    • *Just a little background info. When I moved out, I agreed to bring the cat over to my parent's house to stay on the weekends. Joint custody of a cat, if you will. The funny part of the entire situation is my dad never wanted the cat in the first place. Now they are best friends. So this morning, I stopped over and this is what I was greeted with.
    • Dad: Hi Chel, guess what?
    • Chelsea: What?
    • Dad: Oscar wants a gun.
    • Chelsea: Really dad? How do you know?
    • Dad: Well look, I put down this advertisement booklet for guns on the table and told him to point to one. He did. He wants the tommy gun.
    • Chelsea:
    • Dad: *Begins petting cat, cat starts purring loudly.* You want a tommy gun, dontcha Oscie? It's around $1,200, so I told him he needs to start shaking down his kitty friends in the neighborhood.

    22 Jan 2012

    The Why My Grandma is Cooler than Yours Situation

    So, the other day my grandma had to do a little stint in the hospital. While she was in there, she inadvertently got into an altercation with a nurse because she wouldn’t turn up the tv so she could watch the Pens game. My grandma had gotten out of her bed, even though she was told she wasn’t allowed to, and proceeded to go down to the nurse’s station to tell the nurse in charge that there was going to be a shootout. The nurse didn’t seem to care and told my grandma to get back into bed. My grandma wasn’t having it, so the two got involved in a shoving match. It was then that my grandma declared to the nurse, “You can’t shove me over because my grandson gave me a Power Balance bracelet, but you can try all you want.” I love my grandma.

    4 Jan 2012

    The My Mom Was Jumped Situation

    • The other day, my mother called me on the phone on my way to work to let me know that she had been jumped when she went out for a walk the night before. You be the judge.
    • Mom: Are you awake?
    • Chelsea: I answered the phone didn't I?
    • Mom: You sound tired.
    • Chelsea: I am tired. It's the morning. I didn't have any time to brush my teeth.
    • Mom: That's gross.
    • Chelsea: I used peppermint coffee creamer to make up for it.
    • Mom: Do you not have any toothpaste?
    • Chelsea: No I do. I was just late.
    • Mom: Do you have money? Do you need me to pick you up some stuff?
    • Chelsea: No.
    • Mom: Are you sure?
    • Chelsea: Mom!
    • Mom: Hey, I have to tell you something!
    • Chelsea: What?
    • Mom: I was almost jumped twice when I took a walk last night!
    • Chelsea: Really?
    • Mom: Yeah!
    • Chelsea: What do you mean?
    • Mom: Well, I was taking a walk and after about 5 minutes in, I walked by a man working on his truck. He said, "excuse me" and I turned and he waved.
    • Chelsea: Okay...
    • Mom: It was the way he said it.
    • Chelsea: That's not getting jumped, mom.
    • Mom: Well wait! I kept on walking and it had started to get dark. Then these two people walked by me and said, "hey you! hiiiiii!" So, I said hello, how are you, you know. They were older and they looked shifty.
    • Chelsea: That's not being jumped mom. That's just human interaction.
    • Mom: Yeah, well I don't like it.

    23 Dec 2011

    Poop mouth.

    • Mom: You need to learn how to edit yourself more before speaking.
    • Chelsea: What the fuck does that mean?

    11 Dec 2011

    The Why You Should Never Give Me Your Number Situation

    • Chelsea: *text sent to my friend Jimmy* There's a key to my safety deposit box buried behind my apartment next to a lawn figurine of a dancing deer and 2 squirrels. I need you to dig up the key and place it in an envelope marked, "sausage style home cooking", and give it to a man named Winston who works at the Theater Bar in McKeesport. He should then give you the secret handshake and tell you where the Prime Minister of Franz Ferdinand is currently located. If you can let me know, I'd really appreciate it.
    • Jimmy: Your a ass.
    • Chelsea: *You're an ass.
    • Jimmy: So are you
    • Chelsea: No, I was correcting your grammar not insulting you.
    • Jimmy: Whatever.

    3 Dec 2011

    The Best Way to Creep Out a Guy Situation

    • I was headed into my apartment, not bothering anyone, when the guy who lives across the street has to go and interact with me. I figured there was only one way out of the conversation.
    • Guy: *stopping traffic very Jesus like with his hand* Hey, wait a minute!
    • Me: What?
    • Guy: How long have you lived here?
    • Me: Couple of months, why?
    • Guy: Why haven't I seen you before?
    • Me: I can't really answer that for you.
    • Guy: Ha, yeah. Do you go to school around here?
    • Me: Nah.
    • Guy: Really? I'm up at CCAC.
    • Me: I'm sorry.
    • Guy: What do you mean?
    • Me: Nothing.
    • Guy: Whenever you see cars over there, like a lot of them, you should stop over. Probably means me and my buddy are having a party.
    • Me: That's interesting.
    • Guy: So like are you here alone or with friends?
    • Me: I live with my boyfriend. He loves guns. Big gun fanatic.
    • Guy: Oh, that's cool. So you like a guy who hunts?
    • Me: That's one way of putting it.
    • Guy: Hah okay. What are you getting into tonight?
    • Me: I'm going over to pick up a dead pig. There's a slaughterhouse over by where my parents live. My boyfriend loves to take them out in the backyard and shoot them. Kinda like target practice.
    • Guy: Really?
    • Me: Yeah. He likes to get as close to the real thing as possible. His words not mine.
    • Guy: Well, I won't keep you.
    • Me: Yeah I should probably get there before all the good pigs are gone.